10 Reasons To Break Up This Val

1.You’ve gotten insider reports (from her excited can’t-keep-secrets friend maybe) that she’s gotten you exotic pairs of briefs and a shiny cigarette case, along with a really cool antique hairbrush that Imhotep used to cure illnesses. You look in your hand at the Blackberry Porsche you got it for her that has cost you a year’s salary along with hair extensions that you went to a great deal to have cut from the scalp of some innocent Somalian female refugee (perfect substitute since there’s no civil war in Brazil and well Brazilian imports are far more expensive) and sigh. Be a man! End that relationship, please.

2. Saint Valentine is in his grave and getting no love that day, so why should she? Instead shouldn’t we fast and pray and be sober on such a sober occasion? Since she’s obviously not agreeing to do so, why shouldn’t y’all break up?

3. You’re having constant nightmares and traumatic experiences because of the colour red. You eat red meat, drink red wine, wear red boxer shorts, have a red duvet and even your blood is red! Yet she wants to add to your sorrows by adding red roses and the like. Dude, she’s inconsiderate; please breakup.

More at the break

4. Let’s face it. You’ve been perusing her anatomy for years now, scrubbed the same honeypot year in, year out, pressed the same flesh day after day. You need a break and you most definitely need to plough in a foreign field this Valentine. Remember, YOLO (You Only Live Once).

5. You’ve set Ps a-plenty and your Valentine day sex schedule is bursting; you need to lay-off on some of them but you need all the activity that day to stay fit. Take a break from your girlfriend, go ye into the world and multiply, well figuratively.

6. She has never quite pronounced Valentine correctly, no thanks to her village accent. Please help pack her bag and call a cab; let her be reunited with her village chiefs at once, for the sake of world peace! It ain’t fair to keep grains far from the barn.

7. She is the cabal in your life. She cooks for you, washes for you, does the rest of the household chores, sexes you, prays for you with her mother weekly at the local Aladura church in the neighbourhood and pays your monthly Blackberry, satellite TV and modem subscriptions. That shii cray, brother! #OccupyYourLife. Breakup with her today before she breaks down on Valentine day.

8. This could be in place of number 7 above, which by the way is a multiple of 14 which stands for February 14 and which means something terrible in Illuminati terminology. Beware! Break up now and find a new girlfriend afterwards who you won’t see on the 14th of each month, because let’s face it, 1 plus 4 equals 5 and that’s the number of letters in Osama bin Laden’s first name.

9. The subsidy on withdrawals from your bank accounts has been removed and now you can longer access large amounts of cash till the end of the month. Wanna cut down on waste? Let her be first to go.

10. She’s as stingy with gifts and presents as President Goodluck Jonathan is with words after a national disaster. Need any one-eyed, limping Babalawo-in-distress to offer you solutions? Nope. Do the deed. Change your parade.

And emm...if you decide to take this advice, please remember; No be me talk am, so I cannot be held laible for any Acid Baths or Babalawo effects....